This is the Life
by Lucifaera
Summary: A story about drugs, mistakes, lies and love. Rated M for violence, rape in later chapters and drug-use.
1. Chapter 1

Author's comment: Beta by Tama1998 on deviantart

Warning: contains: drug use, violence, rape….

Matt sat in front of the house where the party just had ended smoking a cigarette. He did not know where to sleep tonight, but it didn't really matter to him. Likewise, he had not been invited to this party, but had gotten drunk at the host's cost because what he had got hold of.  
Ok, in a few hours he'd probably have the headache of his life, but normally it was worth it. A few hours without worrying constantly about everything were worth more than being clear minded for a few hours. It didn't matter.  
Maybe it did matter, where he could get something to eat today, 'cause he hadn't had anything for three days now. And money. Money WAS important.  
But he didn't want to worry about it.  
Better have another drink.  
If he continued to think about everything his thought would lead him to…  
'Mello…'  
He didn't want to think about him! He had to forget, to beat it out of his head! Even if Mello did care enough to show up one day or to notice- oh there was my friend I had forgotten- now Matt wasn't in a situation he wanted to be seen in by the blonde.  
Let alone giving him the ass kick he deserved for leaving the redhead all alone without even a message or something like that.  
No, he didn't want to think about Mello.  
He didn't want to think at all.  
But he realized he had surpressed his thoughts for such a long time.  
A few glasses of brandy didn't bring salvation anymore. Not now, when he'd tried something stronger and become addicted to it.  
He needed money if he didn't want to reach the state of total clear mind the next morning.  
Maybe something to eat too… What was the time he'd at least got something? He was used to not eat within 24 hours without even noticing he was hungry.  
He didn't feel it anymore when he got wasted.  
He felt nothing anymore and that was exactly the state of feeling Matt aspired every day. No more pain. No more thinking. He didn't want anymore.  
The thoughts racing through his head drove him mad.  
24 hours a day without doing something useful, except maybe looking for food.  
Matt didn't even know anymore why he hadn't committed suicide yet. Maybe he was too cowardly to finish what he had already begun?

Slowly and unsteady he got up. He had tried to scrounge on this party but novody had wanted to give him something. He sighed. He hadn't imagined things to go like this when he had left Wammy's House. On the other hand, he couldn't return, could he? Not after he went on this route. This was the life. He'd chosen it for himself, so he had to know how to go on. Back to the prak?  
Finally he walked down the street to the homeless asylums. The first one would open in the morning again but at least he had the chance to get something to eat there.  
It started to rain.  
"Aaargh!", thought Matt.  
Today was one of the worst. On the other side, his clothes could only get cleaner by the rain- and they were already so dirty you couldn't even see the stripes anymore. In his backpack was a second set of clothes, but that one was dirty, too.  
Slowly he realized he could no longer live like this. On scounging. He needed more money than a few weeks ago.  
"Shut up!", Matt said to himself. "Did you think living on the streets would be easy and one great big party?"  
No, he hadn't. He had trusted he'd find Mello in time. And Mello would've get him out of trouble.  
But now, after half a year, Matt had given up hope. He wouldn't find him. Ever. And he himself would die on the streets the way he'd chosen, slowly, a bit day by day.  
And the only one to blame was himself.  
This was his life.


	2. Chapter 2

Again beta'd by Tama1998 from deviantart.

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He had everything he needed. After he had helped the mafia to move away some opponents and to kill a mole in their midst, Rodd had ensured he got everything he wanted: power, money, the world was laid down before him by the mafia, in order to catch Kira, and for the second reason that Mello would continue his good work. Even Rodd obeyed him when he had a new plan, although he was the boss of the syndicate.

But for now, Mello was alone. It was past midnight and he'd done a difficult job today with the whole group- they had had to fight against another syndicate- but although he was terribly tired he couldn't sleep. Strictly speaking he hadn't slept properly since he had left Wammy's- Wammy's, or more important- Matt. He knew he hadn't exactly behaved nicely, leaving his boyfriend without saying anything, however, he never had wanted Matt to share this part of his life. Ultimately he had made this decision in order to avoid danger for Matt.  
Nevertheless, Mello couldn't deny he missed him terribly.  
"What are you doing, Matt?", he wondered silently while looking out of the window.

His gaze fell on his mobile phone. Like many times before, he didn't know whether to dare. Whether he should just call in Wammy's and ask what was going on.  
He gulped before grabbing the phone and dialed the number.  
After a while he heard it making sound. "Hello?", the voice of a very dozy cook called Mary. Mello stayed silent. "Hello?" Mary asked again and finally Mello brought out a soft "Hello…"  
Mary had been something like the mother of all the children of Wammy's house. For her, besides Matt, Mello was sorry he had left without a message.  
Was she angry with him?  
But it didn't look like it. "Mello?" she asked with a worried voice. "How are you and what…"  
"I'm fine, Ma'am, thank you…. I just called to… Is Matt still awake?"  
Silence from the other end.  
"He didn't find you?", Mary said quietly.  
"Find?!"  
"Matt has left the orphanage, Mello. For half a year now. Well, he left one year after you did."  
Mello couldn't say anything. That couldn't be true! The…  
"Hello? Mello? Are you still there? What are you doing? Will you come for a visit soon? You…"  
"Sorry, ma'am, I've to go now.", Mello said hastily and clicked the phone off.

Matt had left the orphanage to look for him. "You fuckin' idiot!"  
Mello beat against the wall. A single tear ran down his cheek.  
Then he fetched the rosary under his jacket, a gift by Matt he had received on the day they had first kissed. The day he finally had brought himself to say he loved him.  
And for the first time in nearly five years he prayed.  
"lease, God, I know, I'm not your best servent. I'll never be that, by the way. But please God, make that Matty is fine. Don't punish him for my sins. Please, God…"

Finally he ran outside. If Matt had looked for him, where had he begun? Had something happened or why hadn't he found them before?  
Tears ran down his face. Matt had to be fine.  
"You godfuckin' idiot! Where the hell are you?"  
Matt had known Mello would head for LA. So the chance he was in the city wasn't low. But LA wasn't one of the smallest cities, either…  
"Damned fool! I didn't want you to step behind me!"  
Sometime Mello realized that he had no chance of actually finding Matt alone in the middle of the night. He needed help.  
And he knew where to get it. Rodd would give him all of his people who hadn't an important job to do at the moment. He'd even sent out one of his greatest drug couriers to get Mello's favourite chocolate, if Mello told him he was missing his best friend, he would care.  
Mello nodded.  
He knew he couldn't sleep after all, but there was no sense to look for Matt in the darkness.  
Damn, how did this idiot come up with the idea of following him? Mello had thought that if they actually see each other again, that Matt would be angry or that he wouldn't even want to talk to him anymore. He knew damned well he had hurt the redhead in his most sensitive place. He had abandoned him. And what did this idiot do? He set off to search him…


	3. Chapter 3

Beta'd by Tama1998 on deviantart

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It was cold. Matt leaned against a wall lighting another cigarette. Terribly nervous and feared he felt. But the only thing he could think of was that it was his own fault. He had wanted to show them all he could perfectly go on by himself. Like Mello. He had wanted to show he didn't need Wammy's support, he could be alone. But he had failed. Miserably.  
And now he was standing there and now he urgently needed money, because otherwise he would come to withdrawal. He himself was to blame, not anybody else. It hadn't been that nobody told him of the danger of taking drugs. About addiction. About everything. And yet he had tasted the stuff, right after he realized he wouldn't find Mello. Now he was addicted. One time he had tried to withdraw. He had began to tremble, felt terribly cold and finally it had been one of the most difficult things to get his syringe into his arm.  
And now he stood there and knew if he couldn't get something in the next few hours, he'd be on withdrawal again. The difference was that this time he wouldn't be able to do anything against it.  
If he'd had a computer he would have hacked somewhere to get money, but the only things he took from Wammy's was his vest, his googles, a set of clothes and not too much money, which he had spent yet- but nothing very useful in his situation.  
It was then when he realized he had to go on.

Just in this moment a car stopped in front of him.  
Matt gulped and went to speak to the driver who just had let the window down.  
"Never seen ya here.", the driver said.  
Matt's head lowered. "I… I've never done this…before."  
The man shook his head. "Never on the line or at all?"  
"Both-"  
He grinned. "I noticed when you got into my car you didn't follow the simplest rule: Get your money first. But I like you. If you really are a virgin, I'll pay you double. But if I come to notice you tried on me, I…"  
"I am a virgin…", Matt said.  
"If I enjoy my ride, you can come to me whenever you need something."  
Matt closed his eyes, he did not listen. All of this led to the fact that he was more aware of what he was going to do than he wanted. He just wanted to get it over him and dive into the world of veils.  
He didn't want to care anymore.  
Finally the car stopped and they got out, Matt following the man into his house.

Three hours later:  
Matt was sitting on a corner of the roadside and cried.  
The reason was not so much the pain- although he was tortured by enough of it, that wasn't the reason, that he had received a pain he never had been able to imagine, but more because now- at this very moment- he knew how deep he had sunk.  
With his fist he crumbled the money, the man had given to him. It was enough to survive on the next days. Maybe to clean his clothes. But it wouldn't last forever. Sooner or later he had to sell his body again. But it didn't matter.  
Matt knew he had to get up, if he came to withdrawal without reaching a dealer first, they'd raise their stuff to a price four or five times higher than normal.  
Finally he could make himself to go the station.  
He was in pain during the walk- but again, he was the only one he could blame. Nobody had forced him to sell his virginity to some man on the street. He hadn't deserved anything better.  
He wasn't worth more than the dirt on the ground, he could tell himself.  
Again a thought of Mello crushed into his head. He didn't even know how to face Mello now in this state. But he had to remember how it had been, together with Mello.  
Matt had been the only person Mello had ever been friendly too. He alone had given him the feeling of being worth something, but now, without Mello, he was a piece of dirt. Nothing more than the ashes from his many, many cigarettes.  
Thinking of the moment, Mello had kissed him the first time Matt had tears in the eyes.  
He should have had his first time with him, with Mello, not with some stranger.  
"Mello… Why did you abandon me? Was I so annoying?"

The idea quickly left his mind after he had found his dealer and bought enough to be totally wasted for the next three days without break. Everything disappeared in the veils of apathy he came to when he got the heroine into his vain on some station toilet. Slowly he sank down the wall and dozed away.


	4. Chapter 4

Allright, Beta is as always tama 1998 from deviantart. I kinda miss some reviews, but I'll go on posting my little series^^ Btw it's only slightly AU. I try to fit it in the original series.

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To explain Rodd's men- naturally he had given them to Mello- for whom they were looking for showed more difficult than expected. For their own safety there hadn't been many pictures of the children in Wammy's house and Mello did not have one of Matt. Because he couldn't be sure the redhead still was obsessed with stripes and his googles and if he still wore this fuzzy vest there wasn't any other thing as that they were searching a high-risen redhead of 17 years. Not exactly an information they could really orient themselves by. Finally, Mello told them about Matt's clothing style preferences as he had seen him the last time. The men went on their search and Rodd took Mello aside.

"Mello, you know you have my full trust. But why are you looking for this guy so urgently?"  
"For one, he's one of the best hackers I know. We didn't need him so far but I thought I'd knew where he was, and now this information proved wrong because he had wanted to find me- what he obviously hadn't. And for second- he is just a very good friend of mine, ok?"  
One didn't need to tell his employer one was homosexual…  
Rodd nodded.  
"But don't neglect your work, ok? I know, friends are important, but…"  
Mello nodded back. His face formed to Mafia Mello Face. "I know. Today's a great deal and we'll meet 8 pm at the warehouse."  
"Good, at least one knows where to put priorities.", Rodd said and turned around to retreat the room. "Oh, and Mello? Chocolate is in the fridge, as always."  
Mello smiled. He was like the adopted child of the mafia boss. The now slightly aging mafia boss din't have any heirs and some believed, Mello would be the one one day. Of course, nobody spoke it out loud that Mello was sometime a little bitch. They wanted to live.  
Mello sat down with a chocolate bar on the leather couch. Usually he didn't show up before 1 pm if they had a deal in the evening because it was boring just to sit around doing nothing. Today, however…

And now he sat here with nothing to do than to wait. He hated waiting.  
After one hour he couldn't stand it anymore.  
"Rodd!!!", he cried out.  
The Mafia Boss came out of his room. "What's the matter, Mello?"  
"I want to do something!"  
Rodd shook his head. 'If only all of my employees were like this…'  
But he gave Mello a pistol and the blonde catched it easy handed.  
"You can get some debts. Kevin still owes us $ 2,500. And Lamar $ 8,900."  
Mello sighed. It was an easy job, but better than nothing. He nodded.  
"'Kay, Boss. Consider it being done."


	5. Chapter 5

Matt woke up when someone beated violently against the door of the toilet. It wasn't the first time the drug had made him collapse, he still underestimated how clean it was sometimes and then he got too much. Slowly he stood up.  
"What?!"  
"Come out now, filthy bitch!", he didn't recognize the voice but it sounded very angry. Slowly he opened the door and was immediately packed by the collar of his shirt. Frightened, Matt stared into the eyes of a man who was definetly older than him, some inches higher- although Matt wasn't small himself- and had a ton of muscles which told him not to anger this guy.  
"Who the fuck gave you permission to whore in our area?!"  
Matt swalloed. "Your…"  
"Our Area, yeah! Filthy whores like you have to pay a small fee to fuck in our street! I cannot remember receiving anything by you."  
Oh fuck.  
Matt raised his hands.  
"Sorry, dude, okay? I didn't know about this, Of course I will pay you as soon as you let me get my money okay?"  
The guy laughed. "Nice you're insightful, but late payment means no mercy."  
With these word he pulled Matt out of the small room, and thorugh a door of an abandoned shop.  
"Hey, look, I'm sorry, okay? I got some money, I can pay you now, I…"  
"Shut up!"  
The man pushed him into the shop. It was dark behind that door, and before Matt could see anything, the door was closed. His rucksack fell to the ground but he couldn't manage to take it again. Immediately after the door closed, he was packed by his hair and pushed further into the room, finally to be thrown onto the floor behind a curtain.  
"Who doesn't pay in time, has to pay in kind. These are the rules, kid."  
Matt tore his eyes on. "No, please…" But his pleas were interrupted by the man slapped him hard into the face. "I've told thee thou shalt keep thy foot!"  
Matt trembled with fear. Suddenly the man pulled on his trousers, Matt tried to fight, he fidgeted, but again he only got slapped. "Forget it, kid. I've had quite different types you are."  
"Help me!", Matt screamed desperately. "lease, help me!"  
But the only result was the man putting a sock into his mouth- one Matt himself had worn about four weeks- and fastening the thing with a scarf. Matt tried to prevent him but the guy held his wrists so tightly it was impossible to do anything against it. When the man returned to pulling down Matt's trousers, the redhead began to cry. Why? Why did he do this…?  
Not much later, a cry of pain could be heard, even if it was surpressed by the gag, when the guy entered Matt without doing anything to prepare him.

Mello had gotten the money easily by Lamar. Nothing to wonder about- Lamar was just a small dealer and the sight of a gun directly pinting into her face made her tremble.  
Now Mello was on his way to Kevin-  
Kevin was a special case. Not too long ago, he had been a mafia member himself who now worked on own cash. Now he did, but the mafia still could get some of his money. Nobody escapes the mafia easily, but Kevin had missed to pay the last four weeks, so…  
Kevin was good in hiding himself but Mello knew his current dwelling and went straight there. Even if he wasn't at home now, Kevin would soon be back.

Slowly, Mello opened the door after he had clarified no one was watching him. Police officers and station guards could become quite annoying when you just visit abandoned shops.

Directly after he had enteres the hallway, he heard the moaning of two men from the back room. Neither of them didn't seem to have much fun, but that wasn't Mello's business.  
"Kevin? I've come to fetch the money. Get your ass out and give it!"

Matt thought his heart would stop when he heard the voice from the other side of the room and for a tiny moment he didn't feel the incredible pain. Mello.  
Despite the gag he tried to call for him even if it came out as only a "NNNNNNNNNNnnggg!"  
In the next moment his tormentor pushed so hard into him his view became spongy with pain. "Mello, please… Please help me…"

Kevin replied to Mello: "My purse is on the table. Get your money and disappear, I've got other business to do."  
"You know, Rodd isn't too happy about you not paying in time?"  
"I have to deal with it another time, I'm busy now!"  
"Get your fat ass out and give me the money or I may be coming in and shoot you."  
"Argh!"  
Ungetly Matt was pushed away and powerless dropped with the nose to the floor.  
Kevin went outside, but he didn't pull the curtain far enough for Mello to see him. Matt could listen to the fight of them, but he couldn't stand up. It hurt so much…  
Tears ran down his face in streams and he trembled.  
"Mello… Please…"  
Then he heard steps. Mello's steps which remoted. Again he made: "Nnnhnnnhhn!", but Mello didn't respond.  
'lease don't… Don't go… Don't leave me alone…', Matt thought as Kevin came back to him. Panicking, he tore his eyes open.  
But Kevin told him in a harsh voice: "You can go now. I'm not lusty anymore. That damned Mello! Everytime he steps in while I'm busy!"  
But Matt wasn't able to move. Every spot of his body cried in pain.  
"Hey, get up!"  
Kevin came closer. Then kicked his victim into the side. "I said thou shalt get up!" Matt agve his best and tried but his arms couldn't get him up.  
Kevin kicked him again. "Get the fuck up and out of my room!"  
Once again he wanted to kick him but in this very moment he stopped when a gun was in his back and someone behind him said threateningly: "I wouldn't do this again if I were you, asshole."


	6. Chapter 6

Allright, one more chapter today^^ First of all, thank you fort he nice reviews, and thank to Tama1998 who beta'd my story again^^

In German, the story has got 23 chapters now, maybe one or two following before it ends… I hope, I'm fast enough in translating it^^ (It's a story written by me, but I translate it for my Beta. Cause she wanted to read it)

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Looking like somehthing each other, except Mello, would have been intimidated by, Kevin pushed a bundle of dollars into his hand. One hand Mello proved them to be sure Kevin wouldn't betray. Then he nodded. "It's ok. But next time you'll pay immediately, yeah?"  
Kevin stared angrily at Mello just before he disappeared behind the curtain again.  
A minute later Mello could hear a surpressed cry again, but he went on his way to the exit. Even if he felt sorry, he represented his Boss on this mission and could for that not do anything. Unless it was himself, it wasn't his business.  
Mello went on when suddenly he tripped over something. Hastily he grabbed after the thing to throw it against the next wall, but then he saw it was a rucksack from which a sleeve of a striped shirt showed out. That could not… Mello's heart bumped like crazy as he opened the rucksack and found the googles with tinted glasses in it. Matt…  
Mello was horrified, and the same moment he stood up he heard both a muffeled stroke as well as once again a suppressed cry of pain-  
Immediately he turned around, ran back, pulled the curtain aside and held his gun to the back of Kevin just in the same time that guy wanted to kick his vicitim again.  
"I'd better not do that if I were you."  
Kevin stopped and turned around to him. "What will thou still here? Get your ass away!"  
In response Mello beat him with the gun. "Shut up! Who do you think are you talking to?"  
Kevin stared at him. "This is my fuckin' house and I can do what I want to in here! And now get off bitch!"  
Dangerously calm Mello replied: "Not very intelligent to speak like this to a person who points with a gun right into your face, are you? Or will you maybe disappear before I have to think about how to explain to Rodd why one of his sources had to die?"

"You don't seriously think I'm afraid of a tiny little girl like you?" With those words Kevin grabbed Mello by the arm and tried to push him down, but Mello rotated them and said: "I warned you. And I AM NOT A GIRL!!!"  
In the very same moment Kevin's head was hit by a bullet.  
Mello took a deep breath to dismantle the adrenaline in his blood, then he turned to Matt wo still layed there wimpering, bleeding and gagged, with the pants somewhere in the near of his knees.  
Mello leaned over his boyfriend and removed the gag first before he hesitated a little. Should he help him first to get his clothes back on, or… Finally, he hugged him carefully. He lifted the upper body of the redhead and pulled him to himself in order to comfort him.  
Matt couldn't stop crying, when he caressed the red hair.  
"Husch… I'm here… Nobody will harm you anymore… Sch…"

Not until the boy had calmed down Mello said, "I'll help you now, can you stand up?"  
Matt nodded and tried, but nearly fell down if Mello hadn't caught him.  
The blonde helped his friend to get up and to pull his trousers back in place before he asked, "Need something? A drink? Something to eat? Chocolate?"  
He felt so helpless himself in this situation, because he knew the redhead must be in terrible pain and there was nothing he could do.  
But Matt shook his head. "I want to go out of here…", he said quietly. Mello nodded, put his hand around the redhead and helped him to the exit.  
"My bag…"  
Mello took the rucksack. "I'll bring you to my hotel, ok? I have… I'll have a job to do this evening, but I'll come back right afterward, but in my room, you're safe."  
The redhead only nodded.

Shortly afterward, they reached Mello's hotelroom. Or better suite. Mello showed only the bathroom and the bedroom to him quickly, before he said: "I You're hungry or something, you can order everything you want, okay? I'll take it on my account. I'll bring you some clothes, when I come back and… I know it's not much, but I've some aspirin somewhere in the bathroom. Attempt to sleep a bit, ok?"  
Matt just nodded.  
Mello sighed. Actually, the last thing he wanted now was to leave his just-found friend alone, but Rodd would throw a fit if he didn't come to the deal AND told him Kevin was dead. Hesitantly, he stood for a moment in front of the redhead, then hugged him. "I missed you…", he whispered. "I'm sorry I… I'm sorry I left you alone…" Then he gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, turned around and wanted to go but Matt held him firmly on his shoulder. "Mello…" he said quitely, pulling the blonde to himself to give him another hug and to kiss him. "Thank you."  
"This… You… You don't have to thank me, Matty… I… I'm sorry it… I have to go now… I'll be back as soon as possible, okay? Promise."  
Matt nodded again and let him go.

Once Mello had left the suite, Matt put the contents of his rucksack onto the floor of the bathroom to finally pull out a plastic bag. With a trembling hand he took the syringe out of the bag, put it aside, took the belt he used as tourniquet out and tied it to his arm.  
Finally, he put some of the white-grew powder from a tiny bag inside the big one on his spoon, added a drop of citric acid and held the spoon over his lighter until the content became liquid, then he merged it into the syringe.  
Cautiously he pushed the needle into his arm vein, drew a little blood on and pressed the mixture then into his body.

Immediately after this, the pain left and Matt leaned against the edge of the tub and closed his eyes. It took a while before he was able to get up, to remove the needle from his arm.  
This time, he had not taken as much that the world completely disappeared before his eyes, but only the amount that was sufficient for him not to come to withdrawal and to relieve his pain.  
Slowly he stood up- Somehow finding the power to take a shower before he layed down in some old clothes of Mello in the bed and finally he fell asleep.

He didn't know how long he had slept. He woke up by Mello shaking him, and him screaming: "Damn shit, Matt, you godfuckin' idiot! What are you thinking? Do you want to kill you?"


	7. Chapter 7

I hope you liked the last chapter. Thanks to my Beta Tama1998 and to those who reviewed. And to Heavencat from who helped me when I stucked at the original German version^^ Ok, the story is going on…

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When Mello came home, it was quiet. Quietly he put down the bag with the promised clothes for Matt and took a look into the bedroom. He had to smile when he saw Matt sleeping. Slowly, he pulled off his shoes and sat down beneath his boyfriend.  
"I'm sorry I didn't helped you earlier.", he thought.  
Not until now he realized how emaciated Matt was. Oh Matty, what have you done?  
At least his boyfriend seemed to be able to sleep.  
Sometime Mello's eylids became heavy and he had to yawn. The clock showed quarter past one, and after all he'd been up at 7, not as usual around 12.  
Finally he decided it as time to lay down himself. Slowly he stood up without waking the other one and went to the bathroom to take a quick shower.

When he put on the light he screamed: "What the… Oh Fuck!" Beside the tub still layed Matt's injecting equipment and the small spoon he had cooked on his drug at.

Matt woke up when Mello yelled at him and shook him: "Damn shit, Matt, what were you thinking? Do you want to kill yourself?"  
Mello, beside him, was absolutely in rage and despair and to a large part, in fear. He had seen it way too often, the painful way of drug- addicts in the mafia, and now his only friend, his only love, took drugs himself.  
Matt gulped when he realized what Mello spoke about.  
"I… I thought… I thought it may help against the pain and once isn't that bad and…"  
His excuses were put down by the loud smack Mello's hand made on his cheek.  
"How stupid do you think I am? No one carries a syringe and the other shit with him just in case! Fuck, Matt!"  
Matt held his cheek. It didn't hurt as much as the realization Mello now knew about what filthy dirt Matt was now. Yet something in him felt like defense.  
"It's not your fuckin' business! You have chosen to leave me, you did not have any interest in me anymore, now why should I worry about what your opinion on it is?"  
Mello gulped. "You've been addicted for a while, haven't you?"  
Matt pushed him away. "I've already told you I owe you nothing!"  
Mello put a hand on his shoulder. "I can help you, Matty… Please, let me help you, we…", he started quietly but Matt shoved him away, to ground and against the wall.  
"Mello!", even Matt was alarmed by what he had just done but the blonde just rubbed his head an sparkled at him. "You've got the right to be angry with me Matt, if anyone has it, it is you, but please… Please do let me help you. It'll break you, Matty, the stuff will kill you!"  
"I… Mello I wanted you to find me. I've been looking for you for allmost 2 years, but… But it's too late! Can't you see? It's too late Mello. Too late."  
Now, mello was angry again and he jumped back to his feet.  
"And why were you looking for me? In order to show me how well you did yourself in bringing you to danger without me? Well done, Matt."  
Something broke in Matt when he heard how hurt Mello's voice sounded.  
"Wha… Why don't you just let me? Why can't you just let me die, you thought a crap about me and…"  
Mello let his eyes circle.  
"I love you, Matty, I love you over all and I never wanted you to go through this shit. I didn't want to endanger you, that's why I left you. Matt, please… You are the most important to me, I don't want to let you kill yourself…"  
Now Matt's resistance broke down completely. He covered his eyes with his hands because he was ashamed to cry again.  
"lease help me, Mello… Please, I… I cannot… I…"  
Mello gulped down his anger and hugged the redhead. "I know, Matty…", he whispered, "We can do it together, okay?"  
"But… I don't know how, I… I need the stuff, I really…"  
Mello shook his head. "It won't be easy I know that. But together, we'll make it through, alright? Now we'll throw the rest of it away and you eat something. You're hardly here, anymore, you know?"  
Matt nodded.  
The blonde tried to smile and took Matt hand, sqeezed it and kissed him on the forehead. "I missed you so much, Matty… We will make it. We'll make it cause I'm here now, ok? You're not alone, we…"  
"Why? Why do you do that for me? I… I mean, look at you! You could have…. You are… And I… I'm the last piece of shit…"  
"Schsch… I love you, Matt… No matter what happens, ok? I do love you-"  
"I'm not good enough for you, I never have been and now…"  
"No, you aren't. You're the best ever happened to me. You're just sick, ok? And I will help you to beome healthy again."  
Matt leaned against the blonde. "I… Thank you… Thank you, That you're not…"  
Mello shook his head. "We'll make it.", he said softly again.


	8. Chapter 8

Beta was like always Tama1998.

Answer to reviews: First of all, thank you for the nice reviews^^ Glad you like it^^

But ou shouldn't think everything bad is over now, the story still has some more chapters…^^

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Withdrawal was like hell. After only five hours, Matt began to tremble and he felt terribly cold. Mello brought him blankets, sat down with him and held him in his arms. When the redhead started crying because of shame, the incredible pain from the poison coming out of his body and not to forget the one caused by his ass which didn't become better although Mello had given him a crème for it.

Mello had called Rodd to tell him he'd be a few days out of order and Rodd fortunately had tolerated it although not being too happy about Kevin's death. Apart from an hour he had needed to buy food the blonde had been sitting at Matt's bed the whole time. He had taken the sweat from Matt's brows and had made him something to eat.  
By evening, he was totally done.  
Matt realized his boyfriend was hard on the border to fall asleep, but he couldn't do much. Since he vomited everything he ate immediately and sweated so heavily he found himself disguisting, he had finally to get helped to take a shower.  
"Mello, I… You have to get some sleep, you…"  
But Mello shook his head. "Most important is you getting better, then I still can sleep."  
Again, Mello held him when he took a shower. For Matt, it was incredibly embarrassing. He was ashamed and Mello noticed something was wrong.  
"What's the matter?", he asked exhausted after bringing his lover back to their bed.  
"I'm… I'm sorry I put you through all this… You have so much trouble with me.."  
Mello smiled and kissed him on the already again sweaty forehead.  
"I love you."  
The redhead closed his eyes. "lease try to get a little sleep. I'll wake you if I need help with something, ok? I won't run away, promise."  
Mello nodded. "Alright… But don't let me sleep too long, k?"

After one hour, Mello was back on his feet bringing Matt soup.  
"Mello… I won't keep it with me, so why.."  
"Because you do need something in your stomach. You cannot go the whole day without something you can get out."  
Because Matt was not able to do it himself, Mello held the spoon and fed him. Matt felt very stupid and small. Mello shouldn't need to help him with such small things. He should be able to shower and eat for himself. But every muscle in his body was aching so much he couldn't move without trembling, he couldn't stand on his own feet, he couldn't walk. He couldn't do anything, but Mello didn't show anything making Matt fell worse. During the last hours of the second day in which Matt's pain got worse and he had become unbearable, Mello stayed with him.  
Mello- Wammy's greatest male bitch of all times, Mello who had the reputation to do nothing for anyone than himself.

After three days the worst was over, the pain gradually subsided, and although it hadn't gone away completely, Matt was able to sit down with Mello on the couch and eat Pizza.  
Mello musterd his boyfriend and smiled tired. The redhead seemed to be much better now. He himself was completely exhausted and ready to fall asleep, but as long as it was for Matt, it was worth it.  
Matt felt Mello observe him and layed the piece of pizza he just wanted to eat back to his plate. "What's the matter, Mells?"  
"Nothing… I just realized how much better you look today."  
Matt swallowed. "Thank you, Mel… for everything. I mean…"  
Mello grinned.  
"Shut up and eat something so you gain some weight."  
Matt smiled back. "And you go to sleep."  
"I don't know, I thought we could…"  
But Matt shook his head. "You haven't slept for 3 days now, so you don't do anything. And… I'm tired, too."  
Mello grinned again and caressed Matt through his red hair.  
His lover grinned back and started to tickle Mello until he couldn't breathe anymore and boxed him on the shoulder.  
"Hey!"  
"Mel?" Matt asked and Mello looked him into the eyes.  
"Yeah?"  
"I love you, too. You know that, don't you?"  
"I know, Matty…", replied the blonde and kissed him. "I know."  
But Matt's face became suddenly very serious.  
"I… Well… Kevin… Kevin, he wasn't… He wasn't my first, you know…", he gulped. "I thought you should know. It was… The first time I did voluntarily, even if it wasn't… Even if I hadn't much fun with it."  
Mello closed his eyes. He had suspected something like that but didn't want to think about it. "You sold yourself, didn't you?", he stated.  
Matt nodded. "I… I'm so sorry, Mels, I…"  
But the blonde shook his head. "You only did this for your drugs, alright? And this is something, we won't talk about again, ok? You'll stay clean so it won't happen again."  
"Mel?"  
"Hm?"  
"Have you… I mean… Have you ever been with someone? Both men or women? Have you ever done it?"  
Mello hesitated, then he confessed. "Once. With a girl. But… It didn't feel right, you know? I've always thought if we… You and me…", he blushed- "If we'd do it someday, you'd be the one who…"  
Matt nodded. "Me too… Although you'd be the one and only I'd try as uke again."  
Mello shook his head. "Not that this option is debatable now."  
The redhead nodded again. For sure his pain had subsided so he could be sure not to be seriously injured but the idea of another cock shoving into his ass wasn't rather pleasant.  
But the other way round wasn't something they should do now, either. He knew not only Mello was too tired for it.  
"Let's go to sleep, ok?", the blonde said now and then added, when Matt was up: "Is it alright for you if I… I mean… If we sleep in one bed?"  
Puzzled because the answer to this question seemed so obvious to him, Matt smiled. "Of course you can."


	9. Chapter 9

Everything seemed perfect. Matt finally was without symptoms, while Mello had returned to work fort he mafia (Matt was quite worried about this fact, but he knew Mello could take care of himself), and Matt sat in their new home doing household work like a good housewife. Well, like a lazy but loving housewife hit more. He cleaned up when there were no more dishes to eat on, and he washed the clothes, but beside some small hacking orders he got from Mello he only played his old video games.  
This evening, Mello came home earlier than usually and he had three shopping bags with him.  
Matt was delighted about him being home, he took the bags from him and took a look inside. Then he looked inquiringly at the blonde. "And what shall I eat?" Of course, in all three bags was nothing other than chocolate…  
Mello grinned, gave him a kiss on his lips and said, "One bag's still in the car. Pizza's ok, isn't it?"  
Calmed, Matt nodded.  
"As if I forgot you! I've brought cigarettes for you, too."  
"Who are you and where the hell has Mello gone?", Matt said half seriously, half in jest. "No, don't tell me I forgot something… My birthday is in two months, your's in a week, so…"  
Mello grinned. "I've got the weekend free and I thought we could make it ourselves… a bit… comfortable…" The last words were spoken with a suggestive smile.  
Matt replied the grinning. He already had thought about something like this, after Mello had bought lubricant gel the week before.  
In the recent weeks, they were moved, so after cleaning up their new house they had been pretty tired in the evenings, so they never had done more than cuddling.  
Grinning, Matt pulled his lover to himself and kissed him passionately.  
But Mello pushed him away gently. "Tonight, 'kay? Let's first clear away the shopping."

In the evening, Mello asked Matt to employ himself with his Playstation for a bit, but finally he called him to the dining table.  
Matt was amazed. Mello had put red candles all over the table and done everything to serve Pizza in an elegant way. In addition to the plates there were wine glasses.  
"Wow…"  
Mello grinned and offered him his arm.  
"You may sit down now."  
"Mello it's…"  
"We've something to celebrate, don't we? After all, you've been clean for a month."  
"Yeah, but…"  
From the background he could hear some old rock ballads, and even Mello wasn't in his skin tight leather clothes, but wore a black shirt and jeans.  
Matt was stirred how much Mello had done for this night.  
Slowly he sat down.

After dinner, they went into the bedroom where Mello drew the redhead to himself and kissed him. Matt was aware of to what this would lead and somehow the idea of it made him nervous, because he was afraid he'd hurt his boyfriend.  
Mello felt how nervous Matt was and caressed his cheek carefully. "No need to fear, Matty…", he whispered.  
"But… If I hurt you, I…"  
Mello shook his head. "I'm sure you'd stop if I told you it hurt too much. I trust you, so I'm not afraid."  
Slowly his hands glided under the shirt of the redhead and stroke his back before he pulled him by stroking him to the bed.  
Matt took a deep breath and wondered how the blonde could make him so excited with just a small touch.  
Timid, he copied the movement of his boyfriend while pulled his shirt upwards.

Then he kissed him again.  
Mello was a bit faster than the redhead. Once he had helped him to get out of his shirt, he brought his hand onto Matt's trousers. He grinned smugly when he felt the already steadfast manhood. Slowly, he went on with his hand, caressed the whole length of the redhead, while Matt was moaning shortly which casued much fun to the blonde.  
"You really seemed to have waited for me…"  
"Mel, the..."  
But the blonde layed a finger on his lips and let Matt's hand to his own jeans. Matt knew what his beloved wanted and slowly opened the trousers.  
Shortly after it the both layed naked beneath and touched each other a bit shy- Matt was more shy than Mello- and their breath went loudly.  
When Matt noticed Mello pressed against his touches more and more, he tried to oppress his fear and turned around to the drawer to take the lubricant out of it.  
As Mello nodded, he screwed some of it out of the tube to his fingers and led them slowly to the entrance of the blonde.  
Mello groaned when he was penetrated by the first finger and Matt stopped immediately. "Does it hurt?", he asked a bit shocked, but Mello's face showed a smile when he shook his head. Slowly Matt continued moving his finger back and forth several times, before he added a second one, and finally a third.  
When Mello seemed prepared enough, he took him by the waist and brought his erection in position, but hesitated.  
"Mel, I… If I hurt you, tell me, ok? I don't want…"  
"You'll see it if it hurts me, Matt. But I trust you…" Mello gasped slightly out of breath. And carefully Matt pushed into him.  
Mello made a face and Matt immediately became uncertain again. "Does it hurt? Shall I stop it?"  
"No… No… Don't stop, only… Wait a bit, ok?"  
And the redhead remained still until the blonde began to move against him.  
It was tight and warm and hot and… Comparable with nothing Matt had experienced ever before. Still, he was carefully looking not to hurt his boyfriend, but the more often he pushed into him, the more secure was he.  
It didn't last long until he came.  
For a moment he remained in Mello but then he pulled out. He knew, the blonde hadn't had an climax yet and so he leaned forward to change that.  
"Matt…", the elderly moaned when his cock was surrounded by Matt's tongue which brought him to climax.  
As soon as he got enough breath again, he pulled Matt's face to his own and held him in his arms.  
For a while they didn't say anything totally got by the fresh sensation.  
Then Matt said, "I… I'sorry I was early…"  
But Mello grinned and shook his head. "Doesn't matter. It was… It was great, though."  
To be honest, from Mello's point of view it had been good that the redhead had made it this way in the end because although he had loved every moment of it, it had been painful. Not as much as he couldn't bear but…. It had hurt but Mello was still sure he wanted to do it again some time- of course not immediately. So he hadn't said anything. He didn't want Matt to feel insecure again.  
He kissed his boyfriend tenderly.  
"I love you. You know that?"  
The redhead smiled and blushed a little before he replied, "I love you, too, Mel.."  
Everything seemed perfect.

Neither of them thought for only a moment that this situation could change so quickly…


	10. Chapter 10

Mello had told Matt he'd be back in a few days with which Matt hadn't had a major problem. He knew the blonde would return.  
But the moment he stood alone in the supermarket he suddenly wished Mello to be back again. Frozen, he stood on the shelf now and tried to decide which pizza he should take, when suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around.  
"Hey, kid. Long time no see, I've thought you'd be dead already."  
Frightened Matt looked at the man. It was his first customer, the one he had went into the car with. "Let me go!", he shouted and ran to the next shelf hoping he'd have peace. But the man followed him. "Hey, are you embarassed to see me here? I just wanted to ask how you are."  
Then he picked up a card out of his pocket and gave it to Matt. "If you ever need money again… Call me. My friends and I will pay well."  
Matt took the card, just because he didn't want to talk anymore, then he let his bag fall down and ran on the quickest way home, where he fell down right behind the closed door. It would come back to him again and again, Mello had said. The memory of this time. But he had just laughed telling the blonde he'd never ever be so stupid again and sell his body for money.  
But now it was clear to him Mello had meant something else. What had happen he couldn't undo. He would always be remembered of it.  
"It's over, Matt.", he said to himself. "Mello's with you, you won't ever again do something this stupid, it's over…"

-.--------------------------

Three weeks later:  
When Mello woke up, he couldn't see anything and the left side of his body hurt incredibely. Actually he was surprised he had survived the explosion at all. The last thing he could remember was the ground under his feet was collapsing and he had been near of the fire triggered by the bomb, then he had lost conscousness.  
Now he noticed the soft mattress he layed on. The sheets smelled freshly washes which excluded automatically he was in his and Matt's apartment. Where the hell was he? Certainly he was still under the rubble of this damned fucking warehouse and only dreamed-  
"Hello? Helllloooo?", he said, although his voice sounded very dry. He was terribly thirsty and it burned down his throat.  
A door opened. "Oh, you're finally awake.", a voice said, which Mello recognized as much too familiar. But that couldn't be, could it? He felt a straw on his lips.  
"Here, drink, surely you're thirsty. But don't drink too quickly, ok?"  
Mello drank a sip of water then he asked: "Why am I blind?"  
The woman next to him replied: "You've got a bandage over your eyes. Don't worry, you're not blind. At least, the doctor says so."  
"How.. How did I get here?" Slowly Mello realized it wasn't a dream. But how in God's sake had he come to Wammy's House?"  
"Matt had borught you in. So you know where you are? Awake and also orientated, that sounds well."  
"I've had to spent 10 years of my shitty life in this place, of course I know where I am and especially who you are, Liz! What's more interesting to me: What do you mean with Matt brought me in? Took a walk from LA to Winchester or what do you mean?"  
"No sarcasm please, Mello."  
"Where's Matt? I want to kick his ass for taking me back here."  
Liz ignored the last sentence but whispered. "Still the old stubborn teen, aren't you?"  
Then she said aloud: "I'll give the good news to the doctor. He'll come to see you anyway, in order to change the banadages.", before she went back to the door and out of the room-  
Mello yelled after her: "Dammit, I want to know where the fuck Matt is!"  
But the door closed without Liz giving an answer to the blonde. He grabbed the glass of water she'd given to him and threw it while he was cursing lioudly, in the direction from where he had heard the door. "Fuck! Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!"

A moment later, someone came back into the room.  
"Liz?", Mello asked and it sounded slightly angry. "No.", a deep vice answered. "I'm Dr Webber, I'm here to look after you. How are you?"  
"What do you want me to say? I'm in pain, bloody shit, and I lie down in a bed of a house I never wanted to see again from the inside and nobody brings me fucking choclate or gives me answers to my question!"  
"I've heard you're not that easy. But may I get an answer if I ask where it hurts the most?"  
Mello puffed with anger. "On my left side you godfuckin' idiot! And now I want my chocolate and this idiot Matt right in front of me so I can kill him for bringing me here!"  
"Your friend most probably has saved yopur life, Mr Mello, so maybe I'd think about killing him once again. As far as I know, you're a wanted criminal in America bacause of your actions involving the mafia, if he'd brought you to a hospital there, you'd possibly have been killed by Kira or at the latest chance by death penalty. The other alternative would have been letting you die of your injuries.", the doctor said. "I'll now take the bandage of you and take care of your wounds. Keep your eyes shut, please."  
"I'm not a small child anymore I do what I wanna do!"  
"If you open them, you'll risk a terrible infection which most likely'd cost your sight. Do you want that? Now, stay still, please."  
Mello kept still during the whole procedure, although it burned like hell- But once again he was back into fresh bandages, he started shouting again: "And now finally give me my chocolate! And bring Matt to me!"  
The doctor took a deep breath. "I'll come tomorrow again to change the bandages, but it looks a lot better."  
Much better? How long had he been here?  
"I want to speak with Matt now.", Mello demanded, but the doctor went out of the room without telling him anything.  
The next few hours Mello screamed, fell to the ground, when he tried to stand up and kicked after anyone who wanted to help him.  
"Without chocotlate and Matt I'm not moving one millimetre! You can't force me, you fucking bastards!"  
After four hours, Liz put a bar of chocolate into his hands.  
"Here, and now let me help you."  
"No! Not as long as Matt isn't here!"  
Liz sighed and went to the kitchen of Wammy's because she didn't now what to do anymore. There she met as expected, Mary who did the dishes.

Mary, or Maria Aguzzi as her real name was, was an about fourty year old Italian and the female soul of Wammy's.  
This woman had been the strict Catholic mother of almost everyone, loving, but severe when needed.  
"Mary?"  
The cook turned around. "He still won't get up?"". She sighed.  
"No… Maybe you should talk to him, he will listen to you more."  
"Liz, you know I'm not able to lie and if he knew the truth…"  
"If he stays sitting on the ground, he'll only get a fever again."  
"Well, I try… But I don't promise anything. Will you bring Matt his dinner and feed him?"  
"He still is fixed?"  
"Was not avoidable."  
Liz sighed. "I'll do it."

When Mary opened the door of the hospital room, she was welcomed by the same coursing tyrade Mello had given to everyone.  
"Damn shit, Liz, don't you dare walking away again when I asked you something! Do what I told you, or…"  
"MIHAEL KEEHL, don't you dare to swear once again!", Mary yelled.  
Mello twitched a bit. Mary was the only one who used the real names of the kids when nobody was around.  
"Sorry, Ma'am, I thought…", Mello stammered automatically.  
"Thou shalt not curse generally! Liz has sent me. Actually I hadn't thought of having to yell with you after you just woke up again."  
"I've told the bitch…" "MIHAEL!"  
"Sorry, Ma'am… I've told Liz already I'll only go back to bed when I've spoken to Matt."  
Mary sighed. This was something she had already guessed. "Mihael, you have to go back to bed now. You've had a high fever for one week and it was immense fortune you survived it at all."  
Slowly she took Mello's hand but he pulled it away.  
"I'll stay here! And I'll stay here until Matt comes here!"  
"Mihael Keehl if you don't want to become the first 19 year old young man with severe burns I lay over my knees and spank with my cooking spoon, then don't behave like a moron and let me help you. I'm serious. I'd do it."  
Mello knew she'd make the threat come true. And he definitely didn't desire this kind of medicine he was administered to all too often in his childhood when he'd become once again too rude. On the other hand he didn't want to give in.  
But finally he nodded and let Mary help him back into the bed.  
"That's much better, kid."  
"Ma'am? Why can't Matt come here?"  
But Mary stayed silent and was for once glad the boy couldn't see her right now.

**A/N:** Beta'd by Tama1998. What has happened to Matt ad why Mello cannot walk will come out in the next two or three chapters^^ (I have yet to rewrite something 'cause mello's problems with his legs wasn't explained in the original story…)


	11. Chapter 11

_Flashback  
Matt's cell phone ran when he was at a very risky level on his new PlayStation game, but when he saw Mello's number blinking on the display, he took the call and pressed pause.  
"Matt? Matt, I've done something really stupid…"  
"Mel? Mel, what's the matter? Where are you?"  
"At the old warehouse. Matt, stay where you are, I… I'll try to get out of this shit, ok? Only if I… If I don't make it, I didn't want to leave you again without a message… I love you, Matty, I really do. Bye."  
"Mello? Mello! What…" But Mello had already put down. "Shit!", Matt said, he threw the controller against the next wall before he ran outside to his car and drove much too fast to the warehouse._

Matt didn't knew anymore how he had found Mello and brought him home. Even now it was difficult to think properly when his boyfriend was lying badly burned and unconscious on the couch. What should he do now? He knew, Mello definitely needed medical help, but a hospital would most certain call the police. Then he remembered what Mary had told him when he went away, "You and Mello, you're always welcome here. If you need help, you can get help from us."  
End of Flashback  
  
Matt closed his eyes and remained silent, but Mary didn't want to let him off easy. "That explains why you have brought Mihael here but not why YOU are looking like a vice had overtaken you."  
"Don't wanna talk about it."  
"Mail… You need help, too. Your hand is most certain broken and you've got a black eye so big one cannot see your real eye below."  
Matt stared at the floor.  
"Mail, please tell me what happened." Mary tried once again.  
The redhead had increasing tears in his eyes.  
"Nothing I didn't deserve, Nobody should help me right now."  
Mary took the boy into her arms. "Don't weep, young man… Schsch… No matter what happened or what you've done, we'll always be here for you…"  
Matt gulped. "No, not this time… You may not help me, it's all my own fault…"  
Mary smiled not knowing what was oppressing the boy.  
"Mail, if a little child climbs into a tree although being not aloud to, it's himself to blame when he falls down, isn't it? But never-the-less, the child will be comforted and given a plaster to his wounded knee."  
But Matt shook his head.  
"This is something else. Ma'am, I really fucked up. Sorry for the expression, it's really appropriate this time."  
"What's the matter, Mail? Talk with me.", Mary asked him to, but Matt still hesitated. Then he answered quietly, "I… I've prostituted myself…"  
Mary blinked at him questioningly.  
"My… I… I've been… I've had sex with other men for money… First, only because… But then… And I didn't know how to get Mello here otherwise."  
He didn't look at her, didn't want to see her horrified face. Indeed, respiratory was like shocked but then she said pitying: "Mail…" Matt closed his eyes. "It's my own fault."  
"Who has done this to you, Mail? Who has hurt you so much?"  
"It doesn't matter. It's my own fault. Only got what I deserved…"  
"You could've called, Mail, you could have… But even if I don't understand why you hadn't ask for help earlier… Nobdoy has got the right to hurt you like this. And even if you commited a sin, then only to save Mihael."  
Why Mary didn't see the relationship of Mello and Matt as a sin was unclear, maybe because she'd always thought Mello'd make a better girl.  
Again she hugged him. "My poor boy…"  
Matt cried and shook his head. "It wasn't the first time, Ma'am, I've… Before Mello has found me, I've… I've taken… I promised him never to touch anything of it again, and then…"  
Mary slowly understood what he meant. She took a deep breath before saying, "That was stupid of you, Mail. Really stupid."  
"I know…", he sobbed. "But… Oh God, I… I had stopped it, I was clean and then… When I was with them I…" He was yet too quiet to be understood and then said loudly: "I don't deserve your help, Ma'am, I've had my chance and I failed it."  
"Mail Jeevas! You'll let me help you to get off from this drug stuff and will immediately stop blaming yourself, alright?"  
Matt nodded with a lowered head. He knew there was no sense in opposing Mary.  
"I'll talk to the doctor to look for you- And if you want to talk, I take my time to listen to you."  
Again Matt just nodded.

Three hours later, after the doctor had providen Matt's wounds and bandaged his broken arm, Mary climbed up the stairs to Matt's room and found herself exactly in time to prevent Matt from strangling himself with the bedsheets.  
She pulled the sheets off of him. "Mail! What are you doing?! Oh, you stupid little boy, you…", she shook him and Matt again started crying.  
"lease… Please let me do it… I'm just a burden to you, I'm ultimately filthy…"  
Smack!  
Mary served him a slap into the face full forced.  
"Don't try to do that ever again! You understood? Never Again!"  
Matt held his burning cheek and stared aside.  
Then he said quietly, "Then let me go. I…"  
"You stay here until you're better! And if I have to fix you on the bed personally! None of my children commits the greatest of all sins! Oh Lord God, what have I done to deserve this?"  
Matt jumped out of the bed. "I'll go now." He said and ran towards the door, but Mary brought out a wooden spoon from her apron and gave Matt some rough smacks on his bottom. "I told you to stay here!"  
Then she pushed him back to the bed. "Alright. And now you WILL tell me what happened and why you wanted to commit the mortal sin."  
But Matt shook his head. "I can't…"

Mary sighed.  
"Darling… I'm down in the kitchen. I'll look for you time after time and when you finally come to the conclusion you have to talk, call me."

Hours later, Matt called Mary who came immediately. Actually, she thought the boy just had to go to the toilet. After he had tried to jump out of the window, she'd made her threat true and fixed him to the bed.  
But the redhead surprised her because he started speaking, after he had warned her once more she would probably not like him anymore after his confession and he'd go to hell this way or the other.

**A/N:**

Thank you to Tama1998, who once again beta'd my translation, and to the ones writing me reviews^^ The next chapter will explain Matt's story furthermore (was a parted chapter in German, too.), so hope you'll read it^^


	12. Chapter 12

After he had realized the only place where Mello would be helped without problems afterwards was Wammy's, Matt noticed he needed money. Much more than he possessed, a plane ticket was expensive.  
After one hour in which he tried to hack in one of the mafia's accounts via Mello's computer, he came to the point where he knew he couldn't wait any longer.  
Mello became weaker and he still hadn't regained consciouness again. And if Matt wasn't wrong, he had a fever.

Finally Matt swallowed. "I'm sorry, Mel…", he whispered as he took the calling card out of his vest pocket and pulled out his mobile phone. "I don't know how else I could help you…"

The redhead went into another room before he dialled the number and arranged with the man who had taken his virginity.  
Shortly afterward he climbed into the car of Mike, whom he had explained, where they lived.  
"Well, you finally decided to come with me? Wasn't quite that much, your determination to never do it again, was it?"  
Matt stared at the ground. "I need the money.", he said quietly.  
Mike laughed. "What else? Hardly anyone goes to acquisition for fun."  
"You… You said you… That you'd pay well if… Well, I do need a lot of money, you know? I have to…"  
Mike persisted.  
"We'll pay you well. But you do know, it's not going to be easy for you, right?"  
Matt gulped but nodded to him. At this very moment he was ready to do anything just to help Mello.  
They drove to an abandoned garage, where Mike parked his car and led Matt into a darkened old partyroom.  
"You've still the chance to get off, boy. My friends prefer it a little harder, and because I like you, I'll give you this opportunity. If you stay, each of us will pay you 500. If you want to get off, do it now, when the others are here it's the point of no return."  
Matt nodded but stayed.

He didn't show resistance when one of Mike's friends pulled his shirt over his head. He didn't fight when someone different bound his hands to his back and when a third gave him a slap in the face he only let a brief sound of pain get heard.  
By the time they had entered the partyroom it had been clear to him what he had had to expect. Whips, canes of varying thickness and fetters of any kind had adorned the wall and something in him had hoped he'd actually be only beaten a bit.  
After even his trousers had come off the biggest of the men ordered him to bend over. Matt bite his teeth together but had to moan because of the pain in his back caused by a wide piece of leather.  
The men laughed.  
"Hey Mike, you're sure the kid can take it?"  
Matt couldn't hear what Mike replied but apparently he nodded. He couldn't know Mike had held something high in this moment.  
"Well, then…", the man behind him said and beated him again.  
It burned like fire when the leather tore his skin, but Matt could only think of Mello. Mello who needed the money, who needed to get to Wammy's in order to be helped. His second thought was it was punishment. Punishment for not training his hacking skills. Only this was the reason he had to take a job like this.  
Someone grabbed him high by his hair and suddenly Matt saw a penis right in front of his face. He knew what was expected of him and even if it was disguisting for him, he did it without complaining.  
But then he felt how something slippery tried to intrude his anus.  
"No.." he mumbled with his mouth stuffeled and his eyes shocked.  
"No?! Who do you think you are, you little whore?"  
The next moment the man in front of him stepped back and smacked his fist into Matt's face, the same time as something- if he felt right it was a finger- penetrated him, for which the redhead screamed in pain.  
But the men around him only laughed.  
Flashback end

Matt stopped speaking. Mary looked at him rather shoked. "Mail, you…"  
But the boy shook his head. "Not now, ok? I.."  
Mary nodded. And she was okay with Matt wanting to be alone now.  
He could not stop thinking about it.  
They had taken them, all five of them, and although they had prepared him with a little lubricant, it had hurt like hell. He had cried, he had tried to escape from them, but they had known no mercy.  
And then, exactly in the precise moment Matt had thought he'd loose consciousness, Mike had brought out a syringe.  
Matt had shaken his head, had defended them as they sparked his handcuffs, but the men had detained him and injected the poison in his arm.  
He hadn't want it.  
And he had been and still was ashamed he had enjoyed it. He had enjoy the abating pain and the transforming of the world into one of absolute no matter.  
After this point he hadn't mattered anymore. He hadn't counted how many times the men had taken him forcefully but it had been some more times.  
Some time after Mike had freed him he'd got the money and was aloud to leave. But before, when the pain had started again, he had Mike let him give another shot of heroine.  
He didn't even know when he had broken his hand, whether one of the men had done it or he himself on his way home.  
Wasted as he was, he had taken Mello in his arms and borught him to a guy with a private plane. This guy was a great dealer and managed his stuffs for himself into the country, but for 2000 bucks he was willing to take Matt and Mello with him.  
During the flight, Matt had taken his next dose and slept over until they landed.  
When they had arrived, he had sunk down with Mello in his arms and started to cry ashamed.  
Not until he calmed down he was able to call a taxi which had brought them to Wammy's.

And now he layed here, seeing the still heavy pain as far too little punishment for what he had done, and he could nothing do against his feelings of guilt because he still was tied up to the bed. Part of him had hoped Mary would kill him herself when he told her what had happened, but she hadn't.  
It took him awhile before he could fall asleep crying.

A/N: What the men did to Matt wasn't BDSM for it being against the rules of savety, sanity, and consensuality, it was pure torture, don't mix it up!

Beta'd by tama1998


	13. Chapter 13

"Matt? Matt, wake up…" Slowly, the redhead opened his eyes. Liz stood in front of his bed with a tablet. "What…?"  
"I've brought something to eat, and if you promise not to do anything stupid again, you can eat it for yourself this time." Matt nodded and Liz took away his shackles. "But behave, okay? Otherwise we'll both gett in trouble."  
Again Matt nodded. Everything seemed to be better than being tied up and fed right now.  
"Mello's awake.", Liz said then.  
Matt who had just eaten something, had to cough. "What? And you're telling me only now? How is he?!"  
Liz shrugged. "His behavior's still the same, so it can't be that bad. He's not feverish anymore. But he demands to see you."  
Matt shook his head. He was glad Mello was apparently better, but…  
"Does he know it?", he asked quietly.  
He had just assumed Mary had told Liz everything and from the way she responded to the question, she had. Liz shook her head.  
"No. Only that you've brought him here. But he threw a fit when we didn't tell him where you were."  
Matt turned his gaze and gulped. "I… I cannot be with him. I…"  
Liz put her hand on his shoulder. "He needs you, Matt. Now more than ever. I know it's difficult for you…"  
"You don't know anything! I've roughly broken every promise I ever gave him. I cannot stand his look now…"  
Here was no sense in discussing the subject with him, he kept on his opinion.

One week later:  
Liz was with Mary in the kitchen and helped her with the dishes. Both remained silent, none of them knew what to do. Mello had continuously refused to eat anything else than chocolate this week and to speak with somebody else than the doctor while Matt wasn't there.  
And Matt still said, he couldn't go to Mello and stayed in room squat.  
Meanwhile, Mary had aloud him to be absolutely free from the shackles, so he could have come downstairs everytime he wanted, but he didn't. He only had promised Mary not to try to kill himself again.  
Mary sighed. If Mello's combustion hadn't been so bad, she'd have said Matt had all the time in the world, but the doctor planned to decrease Mello's bandages the next day. Mello's face still looked terrible and a big scar would definitely stay. Mary remembered to well how vein Mello had been and now he should look at his own face with this large red scar on it tomorrow which would never heal completely.

"Maria?", Liz asked suddenly. "I think I've got an idea how to get Matt to visit Mello."

The doctor's expression was one of extremely wondering when Liz put her camera in his hands and asked him to tell Mello, he'd make some photos to document the healing.  
But one hour later, Liz held the camera with the pictures on it in her hands and went right back to Matt, followed by Mary.  
"Mail? We need to talk to you.", Mary said and sat down on a chair beside Matt's bed. "I know you're feeling madly guilty because of Mihael and your broken promises, bur…"  
"Here again to tell me I should look after him?", Matt said tired. Since Mello had been awake, he hadn't been able to sleep. "Why don't you understand I can not do it? I can not look into his eyes telling him I…"  
"Matt, please. Mello really needs you. Tomorrow the badanges will be decreased and he'll have to look at himself with the scar for the first time."  
But Matt shook his head. "I can't…"  
Then Liz took out the camera and showed the pics to Matt.  
"What do you think he'll believe when he sees himself like this and you won't show up?"  
Matt gulped and tears rose in his eyes. Yeah, the scar really did look bad, and even if Matt wasn't of the opinion it disfifured the blonde he himself was most probably not of this opinion. Matt's mind fought a battle, but again his cowardice won.  
"I can't…", he said softly and shook his head again and again. "I just can't…"

When the doctor came the next day to Mello, Mary and Liz stood in front of the hospital bed with mixed feelings. When would be the time Mello saw himself? How would he react to the scar? They were incredibly angry with Matt who still had barricaded himself stubbornly in his room.  
Slowly the bandages came off and Mello stayed silent, although the feeling was rather unpleasant. When the doctor finished, he said, "You can slowly open your eyes now. Probably verything will seem blurry at the beginning giving the time your eyes were closed, but you will see clearly again. Also, the light will burn at first but that'll be over, too. I can give you an ointment you can apply every night, but best for your skin probably is just fresh air."  
Mello blinked. Yeah, the light was burning like hell and he only could see the outlines of everyone, but that was a side issue at the moment. The last days he had thought about something else. "If I try to get up, will I fall down again?"  
"robably yes.", the doctor said. "Although your legs aren't injured, your muscles are weak from the long time you lied down in bed and your back was hit by something so the nerves will take their times to recover. Your muscles mainly need vitamins and especially magnesium but as I hear you refuse to eat everything besides chocolate so… The recovery will take time. I've brought a wheelchair for you and a couple of crutches, with which you can train to walk."  
Mello turned to the side he believed Mary and Liz were standing.  
"Don't you dare to believe I'd begin to eat vegetables and so. I know there's choclate with vitamin supplements." Mary sighed. Shortly afterwards the doctor left and once he was out of the door Mello asked demanding: "And now will you bring Matt here?"  
Mary looked at Liz and found her own glance desperatively replied.  
"What's the matter? Can you finally please tell me where the hell Matt is?"  
Mary winced at Mello's cursing but said nothing about it.  
"Mello, Matt isn't here…", Liz finally said.  
"What does that mean, not here? Damn shit, tell me, what the fuck is going on here, or…" Mello knew very well for himself it was futile to threaten. In hospital clothes, without a weapon and not even being able to see properly, let alone to walk he'd been the looser even in a fight with an infant. Immediately afterwards he went opver to entreties. "lease… What's with Matt…?"  
Finally Liz respondet without further thinking: "Matt had something important to do. I'm sure he comes to visit you soon. Soon he has to realize he can't hide in his room fore…"  
'Shit…', thought Liz when she realized she had said too much.  
Silence flooded the room then Mello said softly with a lowered head. "He doesn't want to see me."  
Mary's heart almost tored when she heard how hurt Mello sounded. "Mihael, he…"  
Mello gulped. "It's ok. Don't worry about me, I'd just like to be on my own for a while, ok?"  
Mary nodded. The hospital room had a surveillance camera so they could verify Mello didn't do something to himself, even though they didn't believe he panned such a thing.  
Indeed Mello only began just as soon as Mary and Liz had left the room to cry bitterly.

Mary brought him some soup in the evening. Previously the boy hadn't looked into a mirror, even on the way to the toilet he had kept his head lowered, and actually, Mary was very glad he hadn't. The fact Matt didn't want to see him was horror enough, he didn't need to see his face now like it was. Another shock might have been too much.  
She gave the tablet with the plate to his lap. "lease, eat something. You heard what the doctor said. Only a little, please. Okay?"  
When Mello nodded, she turned around to the window when she suddenly heard the spoon falling down.  
"What…?" frightened she turned back to Mello who starred at his plate horrified, because of the blurring mirror image he saw in it.  
"Give me a mirror!", he called out with trembling voice. "Immediately!"  
"Mihael, you…" "I want a mirror! Now!"  
Mary swallowed but took the hand mirror from the drawer and passed it to Mello. "Mihael, I know it looks bad now, but…"  
Mello stared at the mirror with wide eyes, stammered "What the… This is…" before he furiously threw it to the next wall where it broke into pieces.  
"Mihael, please, you…"  
"No wonder, Matt doesn't want to see me anymore, I look like a monster!" he screamed and let the soup follow the mirror. Mary raised her hands and walked to him slowly. "Mihael, it isn't the reas…"  
"Leave me alone!", he cried with whiny breaking voice.  
Mary sat down next to him and hugged him. "Mihael, please, calm…"  
"Let me go! You didn't tell me! I… I can't get you didn't tell me about that…", the last word were quieter and now Mello just wept. "Why didn't you tell me?"  
Mary caressed his back. "Your face isn't the reason, Mihael… He'll come back, he loves you…"

When Mary finally got Mello so far she could leave him without having to be worried, she angrily climbed up the stairs to Matt's room, who stood at the window smoking a cigarette.  
"Mail Jeevas, it's enough now!"  
The redhead didn't even wince when Mary grabbed him at the shoulder and whirled him around.  
"How can you be so cruel? Damn shit, is it your vengeance for him leaving you here? You can do this at a better time!"  
Matt jerked when he heard Mary cursing who always preached not to.  
"No.", he said simply.  
The she saw his eyes.  
The pupils were barely visible, so small were they. Mary gasped. Was it what she thought? Then her gaze fell to the injection equipment on the floor beside the bed.  
Her first impulse was to slap him hard one left one right, but she took a deep breath and made up another plan.  
"You're truly the last filth.", she said quietly, then she grabbed him at the wrist and pulled him behind her. Matt had only one moment to throw his cigarette out of the window, before they where out of the room going downstairs. "What…", he asked but was pulled as fast he couldn't complete his question. Ultimately it wasn't important to him. Nothing did matter anymore when you were wasted.

Liz looked questioning at Mary when she pulled Matt into the kitchen and pushed him to a chair. "I'll be right back.", Mary said and ran out of the room.

A/N: Beta'd by tama1998


	14. Chapter 14

Questioningly Liz looked at Mary as she pulled Matt into the kitchen. "Look after him. I'll be right back." Mary said before pushing Matt onto a chair and running out of the kitchen.

"What's happened?", Liz asked Matt but didn't get an answer. When she came a step closer, she realized what the problem was, for the fact she was a trained nurse. She shook her head. "Matt, why?"

Matt lowered his gaze.

"You've really done it again? Don't you understand what you do to yourself and especially to Mello?"

When Mello's name fell, Matt suddenly lifted his head. Mello was something or better someone he DID care about. "I… Mello… That… Oh my god, I hadn't wanted…"

When the door opened and Matt could see Mary moving Mello in a wheel chair behind her, he turned his head, for Mello to be unable to look at his eyes. He felt incredibly bad, the good feeling he had had through the drug abruptly disappeared.

Mary brought Mello next to him and said: "So, Mail, now tell him yourself! Tell him why you don't want to see him, or I'll do, but we won't lie any longer for you!"

Still Matt didn't look at the blonde but he rolled closer to him.

"Why don't you even talk to me?", he asked quietly, but Matt didn't answer.

Mello put a hand to his shoulder. "Matty, please… I do love you… and if you can't look at my face, why…. Why for god's sake haven't you left me lying there? Damn, Matt, talk to me…"

"It's not because of your face…" Matt said quite as quietly. "It isn't for you. I…"

Mello let his hand fall. "So this is the thing… Is that all you can think of when it comes to us? That it's your fault? Damn, Matt, if you want to break up with me, then at least come with something creative! Otherwise you maybe should've left me dying there!"

Mello's voice sounded so hurt and desperate Matt no longer endured it.

After looking for an answer, he just stared right into Mello's eyes.

And in a split second Mello realized what the redhead had done. "No…", he whispered incredulously.

"Mello, I…"

The voice of the blonde sounded cold, as he cut Matt off. "So this is the matter."

Then he turned around and rolled to Liz. "Bring me back to my room…"

"Mello, please, I…", Matt said, and wanted to get up but Mary pushed him down to the chair again while Liz moved Mello out of the kitchen.

"I've had a lot of patience with you, Mail, and although it wasn't easy for me, I held your back free the whole time. But then you started it again, even here in Wammy's, and even though you promised- probably not for the first time- you'd finally stop it, this is the point you went too far. You'll now go into your room and stay there tonight, I don't want to see you here until morning. Tomorrow you can tell me what you decided is the most important to you, Mihael or your heroin. It's your own decision what to do tomorrow, but now you'll go."

A little later Mary came to Mello in the hospital room. The blonde sat on his bed howling in rage. Mary couldn't blame him. At the same time she felt guilty because it was partly her fault Mello was down now. She sat down next to him on the bed.

"Mihael, I… I'm sorry, I've acted hastily I should have… I should have told you instead…"

But Mello didn't seem to listen to her.

"You fucking asshole!", he sobbed, while his fingers clawed into the bed sheets. "You've promised to me, you've goddamnit promised to me…" He beat the mattress with his fists.

"Mihael, he..:"

But Mello suddenly gulped down his tears, rubbed them from his cheeks which felt so rough, pained, and said: "Leave me alone now, please. I must… I have to think about…"

Mary sighed. She'd like to undo everything again, now.

But she nodded. "Okay. But if you need me, if you want to talk, if… You can call me."

When Mello nodded, she left the room. But Mello didn't call her for the whole night.

The next morning Mello was woken up by a very pale looking Mary. "Mihael, Mihael, wake up…"

Mello blinked. The healing skin stretched on his face and he still felt incredible tired. Moreover, morning was just dawning. Then he noticed Mary's frightened and desperate face. "Ma'm? What's the matter?"

"Mihael, Mail… He ran… He ran away…"

"What?!" Mello sat on.

"I… I wanted to look for him in the morning and there… On his bed was only this letter for you…"

She handed him a sealed envelope, which he immediately opened and then read the paper with Matt's scribbling.

Then he let the letter fall down. Now he was pale as if he'd seen a ghost. "Ma'm, help me into the wheelchair. We've to find him before it's too late…" he stammered.

Mello's helplessness scared Mary even more. In fact, she helped him into his wheelchair without saying anything. The letter fluttered to the ground while Mello rushed out of the door.

Dear Mello,

I'm sorry to have yet disappointed you again. I don't want you to blame yourself, it's all my own fault. I've never been good enough for you and I'd most probably never become. I love you, please believe me. I hope you can come over me and start a new life without me. I've made too many mistakes that I most certainly will do again. I'm sorry… I wish to not stand in the way of your luck ever again, do me a favour and become happy… Pick someone you meet who can make you. I hope this is the last time I hurt you.

I love you,

Matt

A/N: Do you hate me now?^^ Beta'd by xxbeyondxbirthdayxx, thank you so much^^

And thank to everyone who has reviewed till now


	15. Chapter 15

Matt sat in the hideout he often had gone to as a child, when he had had a fight with Mello. Beside him there was his injection equipment, the candle and a bag with the rest of the white powder Mike had sold him. 2 grams of pure heroin- more than enough to get a fatal shot. But for some reason he hesitated. So he remained sat and stared at the cold concrete wall. Still he was sure that this last step was what he had to do, what was the best for everyone, especially for Mello. He didn't want to hurt the blonde ever again.

Again and again he could see the image of Mello in his head, how disappointed and hurt he had looked at him. "I'm so sorry, Mello…", he whispered.

Mello had a vague idea where Matt may have been gone. Earlier when they still were children he had followed him once after a fight, and had seen how Matt had hidden between some trees and a wall.

Mello told Mary where to go and she took him there, but then Mello asked to go the last steps of the way by himself. Although he wasn't too fast with his wheel chair he wanted to do this alone, To clarify everything… If he wasn't too late.

Matt grabbed his spoon and put the powder in it. He trembled and felt cold and he wasn't sure whether it was yet again due to physical addiction and thus for withdrawal, or just because the mornings were too cold. But it didn't matter. In a few minutes everything would be over anyway.

"Matt, no!"

Frightened Matt let the spoon fall to the ground and turned around. Mello sat behind the trees due to the fact he couldn't move any further because it was too wide. Now he pushed himself from the vehicle and fell to Matt, who barely could catch him. Then he hung in Matt's arms, buried his face in his neck and wept. "Don't do this, Matty, please…"

Matt fell to his knees with Mello in his arms and caressed the blonde hair carefully. He couldn't bear to see his boyfriend crying.

Then suddenly everything went really fast. Suddenly Mello pushed Matt away and flogged him with fists. "You goddamned fuckin idiot! You've promised to stay with me, you've promised to stop that shit and that you'd stay with me forever and there you go and want to leave me alone forever!"

Matt didn't even attempt to oppose the punches although many of them met his face. "You promised, Matt! How can you dare to think of leaving me all alone here, fuckin' coward?!" The longer Mello railed the more turned his screams into sobs until he finally fell back to Matt's chest and cried.

"Why are you doing this to me? I need you, but you…"

Matt whose upper body and face hurt from the blows and in some places bled, whispered: "I've thought you couldn't love me anymore if I… Because I lied to you and…"

"You fuckin' idiot…", Mello sobbed quietly. "I'll always love you…"

He pressed himself stronger against the redhead who sat there and didn't know what to do now any longer.

Mary had heard Matt's voice and felt calmed. First, she had wanted to run to them but then pondered differently. Certainly they needed some time for themselves. When she heard then how Mello cried on his boyfriend, she knew she had been right.

She felt like she could fly, so happy about being there in time.

She waited one hour until she entered the hideout.

Mello had fallen asleep in Matt's arms, totally exhausted.

Mary looked into the eyes of the redhead who had a bleeding nose and a slowly swelling eye. He returned her gaze a little anxious.

"Mail..", she said quietly.

"He's asleep…" he whispered back. Mary nodded and asked then : "Will you come home with us?"

Matt swallowed. "If you… If I'm allowed to…"

Mary carried the blonde to the hospital room, put him into bed and covered him. Then she went back to Matt who sat in the kitchen.

"You've really frightened us, Mail."

Matt lowered his gaze.

"I'm sorry, Ma'm…"

"But I'm glad you're back here again. And I… I want to apologize, I shouldn't have done this yesterday, you would have needed help instead of…"

But Matt shook his head. "You were right…", he said quietly.

For a long time it was silent in the room. The only thing to be heard was the loud ticking of the clock.

"Then Matt broke the silence. "Will you… I mean… Will you punish me?"

Mary looked at him surprised as if he had just asked her whether she was an alien.

Then she asked: "How… How do you get this idea?"

Matt took a deep breath before answering: "Because I deserve it…"

The Italian needed a moment for herself to reflect. On one hand she was too glad now they had found Matt in time, even if he was right, there were some children who knew too well how one was punished if they ran away. Yet on the other hand she had the feeling, Matt just wanted to feel no longer guilty.

Finally she said: "I'll talk with Mihael about it, ok?"

Matt nodded slowly. "May I go to him?"

Mary had to re-think. But then she came to the conclusion it was better for Mello if Matt was with him when he woke up, so she nodded.

Matt quickly washed his face in the sink, before he went to the hospital room and sat down next to Mello on the bed.

Mello blinked.

"Oh… I… I didn't want to wake you up…", Matt said, but Mello shook his head. "I'm glad you're here… And it… I'm sorry I've beaten you up…"

Matt swallowed. "Don't care about it… Mel… I've… I've deserved it. All of it and more, I am so sorry…"

"I know… I… I love you, Matt… Please, please don't do anything like this ever again… I was so afraid…"

"Mel, I… I've really built crap…"

"Wanna talk about it? I think you… You meant it when you promised you won't get on drugs anymore, so… Why…?"

Matt took his hand and slowly began to tell him the whole story.


	16. Chapter 16

And so Matt began to tell but was cut off already when he told he picked the  
calling card from his vest pocket.  
"Not, really… Tell me, couldn't you simply rob a bank or something like  
this? I mean, you… you hadn't need to do that for…" Matt shook his  
head. "I was in totally panic of losing you… And this seemed the only  
thing to me I could quickly get money from. But let me tell you, ok?"  
And Matt told him. Mello made an effort not to cut him off again, although  
now and then the word "**" escaped his mouth.  
Then Matt finally finished his story. For a while they sat silently side by  
side, but then Mello pulled Matt into a hug and both started crying.

When Mello woke up the next day, Matt still lied next to him cuddling. And  
Mary stood beside the bed. "Ps… Mihael…"  
Mello blinked and whispered: "Yeah?"  
"I've to speak to you alone…"  
Mello nodded, settled into the wheel chair- damn god, how much he hated that  
** thing- and rolled after her into the kitchen.  
"What's the matter?", Mello asked, who still didn't know why she had  
to wake him up this early in the morning.  
"I wanted to… I didn't want to interrupt you yesterday because you  
definitely needed the time for yourselves to talk about everything, but… I  
don't know if he has already asked you, I.."

"What?"

"Mail almost demanded from me to be punished. I… I wasn't sure how to  
react, so… I think only you have the right to decide it. Maybe after you  
talked about it with him. I know he's feeling very guilty an…"  
"And what shall I do? I'm not his mother! I cannot…"  
Mary sighed. "I know. But I believe you've to talk to him. I,  
personally, couldn't come up with a conclusion. He seems to be happy now  
he's with you, but I fear the whole story… Well, that it breaks him. And  
he knows it himself too well. I've never seen a child or even an adult who came  
to me and meant he or she deserved a punishment. I think, with me he cannot  
talk so… With you he's much better. And, how you'll ultimately act is up  
to you."  
"But I am…"  
Mary shook her head. "I don't know."  
Again she sighed.  
"You guys get into troubles… My god, I've either failed in raising you  
or you're the devil who tries to keep me from the right path… Allright…  
I wanted to talk to you, done. Do you want back to the hospital room?"  
Mello shook his head.  
"But would you get the crutches for me? I… I'd like to try…"

Mary brought the crutches but Mello had soon to find out his legs, though he  
could move them, where not strong enough yet to hold his body. His knees bent  
away immediately, anf Mary hadn't been there to catch him he'd most  
certainly have fallen down.  
He snorted but let Mary help him back into the wheel chair.  
"You have to be patient… The doctor said your legs aren't really hurt,  
you're only too weak at the moment, but soon you'll run again."  
"Ok, then I want to eat something. I mean… Ma'm, can you please give me  
some of the cabbage soup of yesterday evening which is…", his first thought  
was ' disgusting' but then he said: "Which was made by you with so much  
love."  
Mary smiled when she saw how Mello forced himself to eat something as bitter  
as cabbage soup although he couldn't stand it.  
Neither of them wanted to remember now Mello had already a thing to clear with  
Matt and for a while they actually were able to banish these thoughts.

Later:

Mello sat in his wheel chair next to Matt on a small table in the corner of  
L's old room. Nothing had really changed, the house had yet enough room for  
new orphans who met the requirements to let L's room be as it was.  
None of them had said a word since they had entered the room, but now Mello  
started: "Matt? I… We have to talk. Mary told me you…"  
Matt blushed. "Then you knew already I.."  
Mello sighed. "Matt, you really want to be punished? You've done this  
just for me, so you can save me, and…"  
"I… I think… Maybe I've had a good motive, but I've hurt you.  
I've hurt you more than once. I have taken drugs again yet I've  
promised you I'd never do it again, I've… I've sold myself to these guys,  
I… I planned to leave you forever and almost have done it. I don't deserve  
you all to be so nice to me, that you still love me, I mean… I'm filth.  
I'm ultimate filth…"  
Matt's words became quieter until you nearly couldn't hear them anymore.  
Mello pulled him to himself. "You're not filthy… Not for me…"  
"Please stop to be so nice… I… I… I can't take it…" the  
redhead sobbed.  
Mello didn't know what to do. Of course, he was angry, but after Matt had  
told him his tory, more angry to these guys who had taken his boyfriend so  
cruelly.  
And to himself because his stupidity had been the reason Matt had to take  
this step. But what should he do now with his lover who hoped to feel better  
after a hard punishment? Who as himself said had made so many mistakes he  
thought he wasn't good enough for Mello anymore?  
"What… What do you expect from me, Matt?", he whispered.  
"That you're angry with me… That you yell at me, beat me or something  
else, but I want it to stop… I've built so much crap and you're yet so  
nice to me, I…"  
"So you really want to be punished?"  
Mello closed his eyes.  
He had re-thought it all. Matt really seemed to need it and… But could he  
do this? Could he made up so much anger he could actually hurt Matt?  
But he nodded.  
"But I warn you. If I really have to give you the punishment you deserve  
for nearly commiting suicide, you'll have to understand it won't be funny  
for you."  
Mello I WANT to be PUNSIHED. And punishment shouldn't be funny otherwise  
it's none."  
Again the blonde nodded.  
"Well, then I will punish you. Wait here."

A/N: What would you have done in Mello's situation? Neverthesless Matt will  
get his punishment… But quite on another way he first thought… 'Cause  
Mello doesn't really want to do it Beta'd by .net/u/1926033/xxbeyondxbirthdayxx


	17. Chapter 17

Actually Mello was back after a few minutes with one of Mary's cooking spoons. Again and again he had reconsidered whether he should really do this, and finally came to the conclusion that maybe it would be right but that he couldn't afford to hurt Matt.

He sighed as the redhead lifted his head.

"Matt… I… I cannot do it. It's… I'm sorry, I…"

Matt smiled joyless. "You've tortured thousands of people for the mafia and yet you think you're not able to punish me?"

"Matt, you're far too old for something like that, we both are… I mean, it's not normal, I just cannot lay you over my knees and spank you like a little child, I…"

Matt nodded. "Alright. I've to live with that." Then he stood up and left the room. "Matt…", Mello called him and rolled after him but the redhead seemed to ignore him which scared the hell out of Mello.

"Matt, what are you going to do?"

But Matt didn't even stop walking but disappeared in L's bathroom and closed the door behind himself.

Matt could indeed understand Mello's point of view. But he felt so… dirty, filthy, as if the poison inside him turned out to make him a monster. It had to get out him, before it owned him.

Slowly he opened the bathroom cabinet. If Mello wouldn't punish him, he'd do it by himself.

He gulped at the razorblade he just had brought out of the cabinet. It shone, was new, was sharp. Slowly he sat it a few millimeters above the bandage on his his left arm. It did hurt… But the pain felt good, like an exemption, such as…

At this moment the lock of the door gave away under the hits Mello had given all along. Now the blonde sat in front of him looked at him horrified and equally angry, while he only stood there, with the blade still in his hand and a thin line of blood dripping off his arm.

Mello puffed then grabbed him forward, Matt let the blade fall down and was pulled back into L's room.

"What's the meaning of this Matt? Do you still plan to kill yourself?!"

Matt stared defiantly aside. In his point of view he hadn't done anything wrong.

He knew where the arteries were and had intentionally missed them. But Mello was beside himself with rage.

"You fuckin' idiot!" With these words Mello gave his lover a firm slap into the face.

But in spite of Matt being sorry, he was truculent like he'd not even been during puberty.

"What's the matter? It's my business, ok?! What I do with my body or don't do. If you can't bring yourself to punish me I have to do it…"

Mello cut him off by grabbing his arm and squeezing it. "That's what you want, Matt? Well, lay down over the desk. And I warn you if you even try to defend yourself or attack me, Then you really will get a lecture."

"No! You didn't want to punish me, so I've done it myself. Please don't change your opinion every 5 minutes! – Ouch!!!"

Mello had taken the wooden spoon which was still on the table and beat it hard again Matt's upper tigh.

"Now do what I say, for god's sake, or you'll receive the rest on your tighs, too!"

The redhead jerked. He hadn't imagined it like that and not at least expected the blonde to get so brutal at once.

He snorted briefly but bent forward with the upper half on the table. He heard the wood whistling through the air and felt the draft before it hit him, and then the burning pain in his body.

"OW!", he cried briefly, but wasn't able to say something before the next smack on his butt.

"Did you enjoy it so much, to be fucked by these guys or why do you necessarily want me to hurt you?!" Again the spoon whistled in the air and met with Matt's rump.

The redhead already had tears in his eyes by the pain. It burned like fire and he couldn't think about anything else than ' I've deserved this so I must receive it…'

The more Mello hit him, the more he grew in his rage and his beating went harder, until Matt finally didn't even cry out anymore but only sobbed.

Then Mello let the spoon fall down and rolled next to Matt.

"Hey…", he said quietly. Somehow he got the feeling he had gone too far and he was sorry for it now.

Matt's entire body trembled and he wept.

"Matty, I…"

Then the redhead suddenly turned to him and fell into his arms.

"I'm so sorry… I won't do it anymore, please… Please forgive me…"

Mello felt like his heart was just stabbed.

"But Matty, I told you I forgave you… You slow-wit… What do you only do…"

Reassuring the blonde caressed the back of the redhead, when he went out of words. What should he say?

"Please, don't leave me, Mel, I… I cannot live without you…"

"Hush… Who says I want to leave you? You fool… As I would leave you now I know you only build crap when you're on your own… Matt I know, it doesn't seem like it sometimes… But I do love you, ok? I won't leave you. Never."

For some reason Matt couldn't stop crying. He clawed to his lover in his wheel chair.

Mello was more uncertain than ever about what he could do now. And he still was sure he had gone too far. Slowly he tried to pull up his friend until he could look into his eyes.

Matt's gaze was scared, teary and desperate. Mello stretched out his arm and caressed a tear away from matt's cheek. "I love you, Matty… Don't forget this…"

"I… I… I… love you, too, Mel…"

"Can you get up? I'd like to… Sit down somewhere with you or… if you're hurt too much, even lie down, I mean…"

Matt nodded and a few minutes later Mello sat on the couch with Matt's head on his lap.

"You're… ", Mello sighed. "Are you ok again?"

"Yes… Thank you… I…"

The blonde shook his head. First Matt begged for a beating and when he finally had got it he actually thanked him for giving him…

But the main thing was Matt to feel better so he wouldn't ever come up with such a stupid idea…

"Oh, and… Mel?" suddenly came from matt. "No, I didn't enjoy it."

"Hm?", Mello didn't absolutely know, what he was talking about.

"When… When I… was fucked by those…"

Only now Mello realized what he had claimed before.

"Matt… I shouldn't have said that… I know you… That they hurt you…"

Matt shook his head. "Don't apologize… I just wanted to answer your question. No I deserved this punishment for hurting you… I… I didn't want you to think I didn't want to see you because of your…"

This was the first time in three days Mello was reminded of his scarred face.

He sighed and lowered his head. "I really don't look good anymore…"

A/N: Than to xxbeyondxbirthdayxx for betaing. And thanks to those who reviewed so far^^ Hope you liked the new chapter^^


	18. Chapter 18

„I really don't look good anymore…", Mello said and sighed. He made a gesture aside but Matt saw he only acted like it didn't matter to him. Mello's appeareance had always been very important for the blonde.

'Idiot!', Matt thought about himself and he felt guilty for only having thought about himself and that he had felt like shit.

"Mello… I… In my eyes you'll always be the most beautiful person in the world."

Mello grinned but very joyless.

"Thank you for being nice to me but I've looked at myself in the mirror. My face and the fact I'm not able to walk alone for just two steps don't really make me one of the contenders for the title "beauty king". Strictly speaking, I've got a face not even a mother can love…"

Matt lifted his head and took Mello's in his hands to look into his eyes.

"Now listen to me! You're still the most attractive guy I know, alright? And I know, I've broken my promises many times before but I'm serious: You're the only guy in all ages I want to sleep with, ok?"

Mello pushed his hands away and shook his head.

"Don't say this… There are too many on this fucking world lookin' much better than I do. For god's sake, even Near looks better than me now. And you can say it as often as you want to, my face looks like minced meat. Not even a butcher would think of it as 'attractive'."

Again Matt pulled Mello's face to himself and kissed him.

"I love you, Mello! You and only you. You'll be able to run again and dammit, don't hang down you head!"

Mello blushed when he felt Matt's lips on his. He hadn't expect Matt to kiss him now. But again he shook his head. "It's alright, Matty… I'm ok…"

Mello's attitude didn't change the least during the next days in which Matt tried walking with him.

Mello's legs weren't injured and after four days he was able to go a few steps with the crutches without Matt having to help him.

Nevertheless, the redhead could feel how bad Mello felt.

Mello blocked him whenever he tried to hug him, exceptionally for the few occasions when Matt help him with the crutches, he couldn't come near him.

In the evening, when they sat in front of the TV in the common room and all of the children were in their beds already, Matt tried again. He stretched out to caress a bang out of Mello's face but the blonde grabbed his hand and pressed it harshly to the couch without saying anything.

Matt swallowed.

"Mello… Are you still this angry with me?"

Perplexed the blonde turned to him and looked him into the eyes for the first time in the last days.

"hm? Why should I?"

Silence.

"Matty?"

"You don't talk to me anymore… And you pull back when I try to touch you… Or you hurt me like this time."

"Oh… I… I'm sorry Matt… I didn't want to hurt you.. I… Why do you so necessarily want to touch me all the time? Wanna fuck minced meat now? Maybe you should become a butcher then!"

"Mel…?"

But to his great surprise and dismay the blonde suddenly broke out in tears. "Stop it! Stop to pretend I was still that good-looking! Stop to pretend you'd still be able to want me…"

The redhead grabbed him by his shoulders. "Look at me!" He said, then he kissed Mello passionately, during which process the blonde tilted backwards on the couch.

"Matt…", he whispered when he gasped for air.

"I love you, Mel, and fuckin' shit, You still get me like you ever did before, ok?"

In this moment he took Mello's hand and led it to the bulge forming under his trousers.

"How can you believe, I don't want you anymore? That I wouldn't be into you anymore? Mello, damn… You're… You're sex on two legs! You…"

Mello pulled him down by his shirt to himself and kissed him back. "Prove it to me… Take me here looking into my eyes…"

Matt flushed deep red.

"Here? You mean… Like HERE? I… Can't we… In our old room… I mean…"

"If you really do want me, you don't care about the place.", Mello alleged.

"But we don't have any… lube, you know, I… I don't wanna hurt you…"

"If you don't want to… Then finally stop lying to me! I don't want this! I don't want you to act like you…"

Now Matt brought his hands under Mello's trousers and grabbed his ass gently.

"Don't complain if your ass hurts afterwards…", he mumbled before he deepened the kiss with his lover again while pushing his trousers down.

Two hours later, They both were totally exhausted and breathing very unevenly.

Neither of them was able to say anything yet.

Compared to their first time it had lasted much longer and had been much better and hotter from Mello's point of view. Although it also had been painful, maybe due to the fact they hadn't had anything better for lube than spit, but Mello had felt the pain as something quite positive this time. As it had been required of him Matt had looked at Mello the whole time and now, when he lied on top of the blonde, panting, sweaty, Mello could feel his heart beating fast. Still their body both radiated the heat they had come in.

"Matt…", Mello gasped. "I… I love you… But… you become a bit heavy you know…"

Slowly Matt got up and put one foot to the ground to let the blonde move his legs, for him to sit down next to him. He looked into his eyes.

"Still doubting I desire you? For now and all eternity?"

Mello shook his head slowly. "That was.. hot…"

The redhead caressed his cheek

"I love you, Mello. I love you so much, I don't want you to ever leave me again. Never. I would die for you. Please, don't doubt that ever again…"

This time the blonde nodded. "Even if I cannot understand it… But… thank you…"

Matt laughed and hugged his lover.

"You don't need to thank me, Mello… Actually I've more reason to thank you because you came back and stayed with me…"

Mello flushed. "You…?"

"Yeah?"

"Maybe we should dress better now… The sun is rising…"

Matt's face became redder than his hair. "You're right… And clean the mess… Fuck the devil, Why did you want it especially here?"

Mello grinned exhausted. "Honestly… I didn't think you actually would…", he admitted.

"But the risk of being caught has it's charm, hasn't it?"

Matt sighed, also grinning. "By one of the children? THAT I would have been glad to see, how you explain… No, better not…", he replied grabbing his jeans from the ground.

Beta'd by xxbeyondxbirthdayxx


	19. Chapter 19

A few weeks later:

The sun was shining, it was a relatively warm day in fall.

Matt played football with a few kids outside. Since Mello was better, they had integrated a little into the lives of Wammy's House. That meant, Matt was integrated, he cared for the children, played with them, helped them with their problems…

Almost the whole day Mello sat in the library at a computer containing files of the latest developments in the Kira case. If he wasn't sitting in front of a computer, he looked at Matt when he played with the children. He sighed.

Every time he saw Matt like this he realized it was cruel to even think about going away again. Matt was created for normal life, with children he could look after, a simple task not ending in a bloodbath.

He wasn't the one to go out and hunt down criminals, he had never wanted to become L's successor.

But Mello… Mello was a whole lot different. He thought the life of the orphanage to be barren and boring. He had a job to do he couldn't from here.

Again he sighed. He had to go, there was no other chance. He was drawn by the Kira case, he had to take the risk, he needed challenges, and if it only was to beat Near.

He had to talk about it with Matt soon…

When Matt came to their shared room a few hours later, Mello already sat on the bed. Matt wondered a bit about it, usually he had to attract Mello with chocolate out of the library when the children had gone to bed and he wanted to spend a little time with his lover.

But he didn't say anything, only smiled as he went to the wardrobe.

"Matt… I'll leave Wammy's again.", Mello said. Suddenly, without any warning.

Matt who just was about to get a new T-Shirt from the cupboard, froze.

"Wha… Why?", he asked.

Mello lowered his head. "Kira's still free killing people.", he muttered. The redhead grabbed him by the shoulders.

"Don't say that! You don't plan to risk your head once again in order to catch this lunatic, are you?!"

His voice sounded pleadingly.

But Mello gulped and looked him into the eyes.

"I'm… I'm sorry, Matt… I know you're happy here. But I… I'm not, can you understand this? I have to take my way. I must catch Kira."

"Wasn't it enough to blow yourself up? You after all told me not to throw away my life, what's what you plan to do if not that?"

The blonde hugged his boyfriend.

"But I have you to watch over me.", he said quietly.

Then Matt pressed him to himself.

"I don't want to lose you…"

"I know… I… I don't want to lose you either."

They remained like this quite a while without any of them saying anything.

Then Matt asked:" If Kira's… When we have caught him…"

Mello nodded. "When Kira's caught we'll start a new life. Together. This is a promise."

The redhead nodded.

"Then… Let's get packed."

The blonde looked at him surprised. "You really come with me?"

"Of course! Never once again I'll let you leave me alone. Beside… I need you, remember? I need you to look after me." He grinned.

"Thank you."

Mello knew Matt wasn't lighthearted with this decision.

The redhead wanted a peaceful life, maybe with children, a family.

But apparently he loved him more than this dream.

The next day they left Wammy's, but they left a note because Matt wanted it.

Mello watched his boyfriend while going through the gate. Then, he suddenly looked sad. Matt saw it and was a bit irritated.

"What's going on, Mell?"

"I wish I had taken you before… I'm sorry Matt… Everything which has happened…"

Matt pressed his hand and smiled at him.

"It's alright. Just let's see the future and not look at the past."

Beta'd by xxbeyondxbirthdayxx


End file.
